Sara Coleridge, letter, from Hampstead, to her friend Elizabeth Wardell (nee Crumpe), at Bank, Chester, dated 29 March 1833. WLMS A / Coleridge, Sara / 31

Hampstead

March 29 1833

My dear Friend

You will excuse my long silence when you read that I have been & still am as great a sufferer as yourself - I have never been well since the birth of my little Edith. I gained no strength for a month - I then seemed to be gaining a little ground and continued supporting the child wholly till she was 11 weeks old. I then became so ill that I was obliged to wean her. In another month I tried Brighton - remained there five weeks & returned much improved - some weeks after my return home however I had a relapse & have continued suffering more than I can describe. My complaint is entirely nervous, caused by the exhaustion of the system by child bearing & over-nursing. This last child drained me terribly & [called] so often in the night that I never slept soundly for a month after she was born & I think this laid the foundation of my nervousness together with over exertion in other ways. My dear father was at our christening dinner & talked in his most brilliant style to the delight of our other friends. Neither he nor I have ever been as well since. Amid all my miseries - want of sleep appetite, & above all the most intense despondency I retained strength enough to take my daily walks without fatigue till unluckily one day I went a little too far - Since that day I have been growing daily weaker with a peculiar affection in my back which prevents me from sitting up without uneasiness. It became so bad at last that I could not sit up ten minutes at a time without hysterics. I can now sit up for an hour at a time, but am obliged to spend great part of my time on the sofa & am ever in fear that I shall be confined to my bed. My dejection is incessant. But I will not trouble you, dear fellow sufferer, with a detail of my sufferings, which at present render my existence a burden. We are both in the hands of a merciful & wise God who will not try us beyond what we can bear & it must be our parts to turn this trial into an eternal benefit. That I have learnt to say God's will be done more humbly than heretofore, & to enter more deeply into the sufferings of others is the fruit of my illness & one of which I trust returning health, if it ever do

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return will not deprive me. I have had the best advice, & all the medical men I have consulted, (& we have seen a great many) promise ultimate entire restoration, as I have no disease of any sort about me; but the nervous system is so thoroughly shaken that it may be long ere I can regain my faculties & comfortable sensations. You will excuse a scrawl, for to write at all is an effort. My beloved mother is the greatest of comforts to me - & my dearest husband all that a husband can be on such a trying occasion - All tenderness, generosity and love. My sweet little ones are rosy & merry & so far so healthy that my poor weak nerves are not tried on their accounts. All my friends are full of interest, kindness & compassion - I believe my recovery would be a source of rejoicing to numbers out of my own household. In short I have every blessing but health - but without health - the condition of enjoyment, - these blessings are only negative ones. This dreadful hysterical depression poisons everything. Alas! My dear friend you I fear, can understand all this but too well. I believe there is much akin to each other in our maladies, but both are hopeful ones. Yours' I have always understood to be so. God grant that we may one day congratulate each other on our restoration to health & happiness. Surely want of health is more trying to a mother than to one who has no dear little ones to call for her services. Mine do not absolutely need me at present. They have an excellent nurse & most kind grandmama. Yet I cannot look at their dear faces without anguish. I seem to be mother & no mother, with all my faculties thus suspended. I force myself to read & now I do a little bit of easy work - but everything is a labour - everything is without interest or enjoyment. Religious considerations are my only support - Without the thought that there is a better life how wretched were that below. Perhaps this warning is to shew us what sooner or later must take place. The enjoyments of this world must cease soon, & to give them up now is but "to give up a losing game". God grant us both the aid of his Comforter - & such temporal ease & happiness as seemeth good to him. God is good & these miseries must never make us doubt his justice benevolence & mercy. Good bye dear friend, for the present.

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Now my dear friend, I shall be most anxious to hear how you go on. From your last letter I did not at all understand how ill you were. I have been ever thinking of writing, but many persons in my complaint cannot write at all & it is a great effort: But let me beg that in a months time Mr Wardell will write a few lines to say how you go on. Now pray do attend to this request - or you will make my nervousness worse which need not be I assure you. You shall hear again of me I promise you. Mama will write, or Henry, if I cannot. It strikes me that your malady proceeds from the same source as my own. Since my illness I have heard so much about nervous complaints that I fancy myself learned on the subject. I have heard of many instances in which a cough & every symptom of consumption have been have come on - all occasioned by exhaustion of the system from child bearing. There is no real consumption in the case & the thing wears out in course of time. The liver too appears to be diseased. This was the case with me - But there is no real disease of the liver in my case. Perhaps not in yours. Country practitioners I am sure do not understand nervous complaints. They are more puzzling than any others - the symptoms are ever deceitful, [or] as Dr Park Dr Park says (he is the son of Park of Liverpool - a very clever interesting man - our neighbour) nervous affections put simulate every known form of disease - there is no reality in all this & the affection goes as it comes. Many nervous persons are persuaded that they have a disease of the heart. This too is all a deception. The violent palpitations are merely nervous. I have heard of country practitioners doing great mischief by treating these complaints as if they were what they seem to be. Bleeding &c when they should have supported the system. But you doubtless have had the best advice. Only I know that even Dr Bailey was once deceived in this way by the appearance of decline & owned it himself. Now goodbye again. One person your letter does not mention whom I often think of Poor Miss Green - Pray let me know what state she is in now. I have a feeling for all sufferers now far beyond what I used to have. I can now understand what a person in health cannot fully enter into. I am sorry for your poor brother's loss. Eve's descendants are indeed visited with the curse attending child bearing in more ways than one. I now find that mine is not an uncommon complaint. I am sorry Mrs Jackson is not strong. Her three little girls have run away perhaps with some of her vigor. Sophia seems the fortunate one of your

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family. And George is blest at last in a healthy wife & child. Poor dear Louisa She is a sad sufferer, but I do hope she may yet enjoy this summer as the [last] - I cannot understand what the nature of her attacks is. Are her spirits affected? How are you in that respect? Your illness must be a trial to Mr Wardell. I am glad he continues so well. I hope your dear boy will suffer no more. How I should like to see him & his sister! I hope Mr & Mrs Crumpe are well. My best regards to them & all your family in [fact] Mama joins as well in kindest love to yourself, & best regards to Mr Wardell. I wish we lived nearer to each other. I assure you I have been continually wanting to know how you & Louisa your other invalid friend went on - but I have never had energy to write & lately not bodily strength to sit up to do it. Now pray let me hear soon again for I shall be very anxious about you. Not but [what] I am confident in my own mind that your malady will pass away & that you will be as well & comfortable as ever. One hears of the most wonderful cures - but your cure would not be wonderful - but quite a thing to expect. God grant I may soon hear of your recovery & be able to report mine to you! Mean time may we be resigned & ready to submit to the worst!

Friday. Be sure you dont wait for frank or private hand I should have sent this by post had not an early frank offered itself. You ask for dear Hartley. Last June he went to Leeds to edite, (indeed entirely to write) a periodical work - "Worthies of Yorkshire & Lancashire". We have read the two first numbers & they do great credit to H. - though we wish he had access to more books, & was not forced to write a work of this kind against time. Till Mrs: B. was confined some months ago H. lived in the house of the publisher, Mr: Bingley - & we heard excellent accounts of & from him. Indeed we have never heard the contrary, but we begin to be anxious because we have not had a line from him since he left Mr B's house. We are glad that he is among his old friends the Greens - Mrs. Fearon - late Sa-

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rah Green - Mrs: Mayson late of Keswick & Joshua Green. H. was going to lodge with Mrs: Mayson when he left Mr: B's. My brother Derwent is going on well & his dear wife after many severe plunges, is now in good health. The little Derwent is all that his parents could wish. We regret that our [[?]] Herbert & he cannot grow up in one another's sight. Derwent is much beloved & approved at Helleston. Of our dear friend Miss Wordsworth we have had an account which makes us almost entertain hopes concerning her. Yet I fear her recovery is out of the question. All we can expect is that she may be spared in tolerable comfort some time longer. Some months ago we looked for her death daily. Our friends at Greta hall are all in pretty good health at present: but during the summer the girls were sadly delicate & the accounts of Edith shocked me. She was much altered & her spirits failed sadly. She is better now & expecting Mr Warter in July. I hope she will be his wife ere she is a year older - but the Living is still in the clouds. - I believe anxiety does her much harm, but even if she were married she might have as great trials though of another kind. Witness my state & yours. Her excellent retains his blessed health & spirits. We are reading his new work - "Naval History." It is written with his usual ability & peculiar power.

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My poor father is in his very distressing way. He seemed to rally a little some time ago. Young Mrs: John Wordsworth has produced a fine little girl - to be called Jane Stanley.

We often see the Lloyds - they are continually visiting at Mrs: Hoare's. Louisa is the only one of the girls unmarried. Mrs: Thompson is expected in England soon. I hope when I write to you next my dear friend I may be a little stronger. You cannot conceive my languor & the weakness of my back. Do let me hear of you soon. Kiss your dear boy & girl for me - girl & boy rather - Excuse this scrawl Accept Mama's best regards - Give mine to your worthy spouse and believe me your anxious & attached Sara Coleridge.

My sister Fanny has just recovered from a bad miscarriage. She has a little girl the age of my Edith. I am going to her house for change of air & scene when I am strong enough. Now I am too weak to go even from Hampstead to London. I should see Sir Charles Clarke could I get to town. But Doctors cannot cure me. Time alone can. Adieu.

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I wish that I could see your father while he is in town & introduce him to Henry - But my spirits are so weak at present that I see scarce any one out of my own family. An interview with our old friend Mrs: Peachy agitated me & made me worse for days. I shall think much of your brother John & his poor little motherless children. That poor infant: the father must anxiously desire that it may survive. Perhaps it may console him hereafter for it's mother's death. Your family has been much tried - but what large family has not. We have been very anxious about my mother in law - but she is recovering from a dangerous seizure & her husband is wonderfully restored.

I only ask a few lines if it is an exertion to write Mr Wardell will perhaps be so very kind as to let me know how you are.

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London March thirty. 1833.

Mrs: Wardell

Bank

Chester -

J.C. Butteel.

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Object summary: WLMS A / Coleridge, Sara / 31